“Waiting to blossom”

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Have you ever been in a dark place; a place where every second you’re gasping for air, trying to reach for anything that’s in arms length to save you? You cautiously say to yourself, “Things can’t get any worse”, knowing inside they actually could, so you attempt to stray away from such thinking. You’re in a constant battle with your mind saying it’s going to get to better, while in real time you’re only seeing it get worse. Your internal thoughts continue running rampant leading you to a directionless place. You feel as though your life has some type of meaning, but those thoughts are quickly fading away; the hope you once had is nearly gone. I’ve been there before. I’ve been there quite a few times. My world was tumbling down, and I couldn’t stop it. It’s as if you’re dying alive. You know how you’re consciously there, but the inside of you is deteriorating? Even in the darkest and saddest places, there’s a hope that can be reborn.  My boyfriend asked me the other day, “Ever wonder why we bring flowers to a grave sight? We don’t bring them for our loved ones do we?” That really made me think. Why do we do it? I know you may be saying it’s in remembrance of them, but does that actually make sense when you think of it logically? I believe it actually brings us a sense of hope, an unexplainable hope. I say that to say, many things in life we encounter don’t make sense. I believe it’s not always supposed to, to us. That dark place you feel completely helpless in has hope that’s waiting to blossom.

“Past ablaze”

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I never threw away things of sentimental value. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I stored everything in its own personal compartment. That’s how I became bad at letting go. Throughout my life, I’ve learned to be an independent, strong, hard-working woman, which many of us learn. The process of learning to be this way can leave us emotionally disabled. What I mean by that is, we don’t take the time to deal with our emotions and problems correctly. I never took a second to analyze myself, to really stop, sit down and think about what I wanted out of life and what life wanted out of me, the same life that can suck you dry if you let it. When you’re a person who stores all your emotions, thoughts and memories in your little ole head, there comes a point where you implode or explode. I’ve contained so many thoughts and emotions in my mind that it began to tear me apart. Ten months later into a new relationship, when things aren’t quite as fresh as they were in the beginning, emotions I had no idea I had began to surface. When these uncontrolled, bottled up emotions, thoughts and memories began to spill over, I realized I had a problem. My problem was being bad at letting go. I had many great memories that had a lot of tragic endings. I had no idea my inner woman was harboring so many things. I was so good at being strong and pressing on, I wasn’t aware I had this problem until I became overwhelmed, and depressed. I was lost; I truly did not know how to handle certain thoughts and feelings. I kept replaying it in my mind, and I realized I had to face the very thing I thought I was over – my past. At this point, I wanted answers to all the questions I accumulated over time. I wanted an understanding of why things happened the way they did and what I could have done for the outcome to be different. Deep, deep down a part of me wanted and hoped that the fairytale ending would eventually happen. I would constantly pray my way through these thoughts and feelings asking God to help me. Help me to stop feeling this way, and help me to not be so confused. Reality finally hit me, and God spoke to me telling me to let go. Let go, and stop holding on so tightly to the very things which kept me in emotional bondage. I was to stop seeking answers I’m never going to get or fully understand. Sometimes, in order to move on, you have to let go no matter how difficult it is to do. I’ve come to the realization that some memories aren’t meant to be held in such a high place in your life. You have to let go of the emotional ties of your past so your future has a chance to give you the very things you desire. I’ve learned being weak or vulnerable isn’t easy, but it sometimes allows you to start the healing process. Harboring how you feel won’t ever relieve you from your past. In order to start that process, you have to let go. Letting go doesn’t mean trying to forget about it and moving on. It means opening up about it, sharing it with someone, releasing it. I know it’s not easy, but it’s worth and it will help!

“Love Freely”

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I desire to love, and I desire to love hard. I believe many of us desire such. I believe women were created to love to some of the highest extremes. I also believe we were created to love with boundaries. I know you’re probably thinking to yourself, “she just said the most contridicting statement ever in those last two sentences. How can we be created to love to varying extremes but love with boundaries too?” By the time you finish reading this, you’ll understand what I mean. In truth, many of us desperately desire to be in a fairy tale love story much like those we see and hear about in fictional stories and occasionally in real life. If you say you don’t, STOP lying to yourself. We as women want a man to love us and take care of us the way we’ve been taught they should. I know, I know, the “independent” women are saying, “ I DON’T NEED A MAN TO TAKE CARE OF ME.” Yes you do; it may not be financially but in some other way. It’s a reality we have to face. It took me some time to realize it myself. Of course, there are some women who are really okay being single, and that’s fine and well. But for the ones who aren’t okay, you agree with what I’m saying, right? The problem I see that we have is we tend to “love freely.” The first guy to cross our path and show us even the slightest attention, we’re ready to hand him our heart. We’re ready to jump in head first. “Girl he is fine”, “He ain’t never been married”, “He got a nice job”, ect. You know the basics. He fills that fairy tale love story you want so badly. Then as time goes by, you see he has a temper, you may have different religious beliefs, or he`s got a shady background that he never decided to mention. Things start to really evolve, things you aren’t all that okay with. But you’ve told all your friends and family about him. You made things public on social networks. Now you sit and wonder how this happened; how was I so foolish. Now you’re left with a broken heart because you “loved freely”. You gave all your love to this man. This is where the boundaries could’ve prevented some heartache. I’m sure I can speak for many women when saying taking it slow is not something we normally think of until after all the disasters happen, sometimes not even then. I’ve had my heart broken several times. One particular time, it was exactly as I explained. I’d just split up from my ex, and I was so broken and hurt when this new guy happened to come around at the perfect time. He told me everything I wanted to hear, and I believed it; yup, I fell for it. There were red flags, but I still dove in head first. I was done with getting my heart broken, and I just knew he was the one. Well, I convinced myself he was. I thought he was the one because I desperately wanted to believe everything he said. There were things that didn’t make sense, but I didn’t care. I would deal with them later is what I told myself. The attention was there, and that was all I felt I needed. The sexual intimacy blinded every one of the senses I possibly had. That’s until I got pregnant, and all the attention left. All I became good for to him was the sexual pleasures. It’s as if he walked by and I literally handed him my heart, an already broken heart, and he continued on his way. I loved freely, and I got pregnant three months later by a man I never actually knew. I would try to force him to want to be around and spend time, but after months of trying, I realized nothing I did or said would work. True colors began to show themselves, and the harsh thing called life became reality. I finally had to face the hardest thing ever, myself!

I now faced a person I didn’t know in facing myself. I was 24-years-old with a second child on the way, another child out of wedlock. I was going to have two children by two different guys. I felt so ashamed and unworthy. I was in my career field living on my own. I had only just recently begun to stand on my own two feet, and suddenly I have to start all over. I wanted badly for this to be a dream. I was depressed as I tried to figure out how I was going to get through this, let alone tell people. I felt I let everyone down; what would they think of me now? The truth was out that the woman I tried so hard to be failed. I was striving to live for Christ, and I was honestly striving to live the “right” way. But then this disaster happened. How would anyone be able to hear from me now? How would the people who looked up to me feel? Deep hatred began to fill my heart. I was still in denial, asking God is this real? I didn’t want to have a baby. I silently wished I’d have a miscarriage. For me, abortion wasn’t an option. I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Why am I here, alone, pregnant? Why am I pregnant by a man that I don’t even know, and why has he abandoned me? These were are all the questions I constantly overwhelmed myself with. I knew I couldn’t blame God for what had happened, but I did want God to take it all away and fix it. Little did I know, he was doing just that. Through this ongoing battle I had with myself, I realized my life was changing for the better just in a very uncomfortable way. I was 24 finally figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be. Many of us feel we know who we are and what we want in life until life hits us with a ton of bricks and we’re actually forced to face it. When we’re ready to face it and face it wholeheartedly, without trying to suppress it and hide it like we normally do, that’s when life slowly starts to become clear. I slowly started seeing the inner demons I never dealt with, and that’s given me the chance to take a new approach to the very things that kept knocking me down. If I didn’t learn anything else, I learned that when you “love freely”, you pay a higher interest rate, one that seems pretty unbearable at times. A man can’t cherish your heart if you yourself don’t know how to. Put a price on your love! YOU’RE WORTH IT! DON’T “love freely”!
#GuardYourHeart

“We chained our hearts in vain” ~Miley Cyrus

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I believe many of us get involved in relationships in which we know we shouldn’t. Miley Cyrus says it best, “We chained our hearts in vain.” Sometimes our intentions are right, but often times they’re wrong. Of course, things are great in the beginning; then time sets in, true colors come out, and they’re not the person you thought they were the whole time. We tend to get so involved, it drains our whole being. We’re emotionally unstable and torn in many different directions. We were once okay with the way things were; we settled for being the other woman. We settled with not having a title. Maybe we just settled in general. We settled for all the things we said we never would. Why? Because we’ve created an attachment that feels nearly impossible to break. We constantly battle with how we wish things were and how things actually are. Maybe you weren’t the pursuer; they pursued you, and the truth started unraveling. But for some reason, you thought the ending would be better than the beginning. You thought perhaps you could change them, or maybe things would just change through time, but now you’ve faced reality. Reality says, “Let your heart heal.” It says, “Move on even though it may be the hardest thing to do.” It says, “Rebuild yourself!” Rebuild all you’ve lost. Allow the many insecurities that were created to be restored.” It says, “Be wise about who you give your heart to.” Have you ever faced a situation where you’ve given your heart to someone who didn’t deserve it? Did you realize it before you did it or after you did it?