“Past ablaze”

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I never threw away things of sentimental value. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I stored everything in its own personal compartment. That’s how I became bad at letting go. Throughout my life, I’ve learned to be an independent, strong, hard-working woman, which many of us learn. The process of learning to be this way can leave us emotionally disabled. What I mean by that is, we don’t take the time to deal with our emotions and problems correctly. I never took a second to analyze myself, to really stop, sit down and think about what I wanted out of life and what life wanted out of me, the same life that can suck you dry if you let it. When you’re a person who stores all your emotions, thoughts and memories in your little ole head, there comes a point where you implode or explode. I’ve contained so many thoughts and emotions in my mind that it began to tear me apart. Ten months later into a new relationship, when things aren’t quite as fresh as they were in the beginning, emotions I had no idea I had began to surface. When these uncontrolled, bottled up emotions, thoughts and memories began to spill over, I realized I had a problem. My problem was being bad at letting go. I had many great memories that had a lot of tragic endings. I had no idea my inner woman was harboring so many things. I was so good at being strong and pressing on, I wasn’t aware I had this problem until I became overwhelmed, and depressed. I was lost; I truly did not know how to handle certain thoughts and feelings. I kept replaying it in my mind, and I realized I had to face the very thing I thought I was over – my past. At this point, I wanted answers to all the questions I accumulated over time. I wanted an understanding of why things happened the way they did and what I could have done for the outcome to be different. Deep, deep down a part of me wanted and hoped that the fairytale ending would eventually happen. I would constantly pray my way through these thoughts and feelings asking God to help me. Help me to stop feeling this way, and help me to not be so confused. Reality finally hit me, and God spoke to me telling me to let go. Let go, and stop holding on so tightly to the very things which kept me in emotional bondage. I was to stop seeking answers I’m never going to get or fully understand. Sometimes, in order to move on, you have to let go no matter how difficult it is to do. I’ve come to the realization that some memories aren’t meant to be held in such a high place in your life. You have to let go of the emotional ties of your past so your future has a chance to give you the very things you desire. I’ve learned being weak or vulnerable isn’t easy, but it sometimes allows you to start the healing process. Harboring how you feel won’t ever relieve you from your past. In order to start that process, you have to let go. Letting go doesn’t mean trying to forget about it and moving on. It means opening up about it, sharing it with someone, releasing it. I know it’s not easy, but it’s worth and it will help!

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3 thoughts on ““Past ablaze”

  1. Angelique

    i LOVE this!!!! It is so true especially for me I have struggled with this for years while in a new relationship, but this time I actually have help and hope. I used to think I was too tough, or there was something wrong with me. The process of healing I take it day by day, I really have to be open, honest and vulnerable. But I thank goodness for my lover/partner he has been tremendous throught my healing process.

    Like

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